I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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