i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
