Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Randomize
