shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Pappa wants mamma naked
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
