Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
