it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
