I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
