lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
