why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
My feet surprised me
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
