I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day â¤ï¸
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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