I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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