don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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