More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
