Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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