Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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