make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
