the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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