I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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