My room smells like vodka and shame
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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