ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
