she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
