I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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