How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
