he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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