i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
