the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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