I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
There was a lot of him and a little penis
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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