Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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