We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
