What did we do last night that was yellow?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
