Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
