is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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