Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize