Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
