i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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