Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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