Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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