So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
