Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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