I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
