I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
