i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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