just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
