Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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