I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
