You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Found the puke drawer
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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