Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
