I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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