i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
