I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize