I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Couch. On fire.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
