party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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