On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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