I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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